life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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