Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
