Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
