I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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