Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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