We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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