My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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