I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
