Im at strip club and am horny
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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