A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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