Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
