in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
