You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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