I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
