i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
