Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
