i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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