just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
