Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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