The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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