He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
