Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
