I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
