just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
