Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
