I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
