she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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