Can Purell be used as lube?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
