can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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