looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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