Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
