I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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