New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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