I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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