you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
