i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
