new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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