I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
