Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
