I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
