my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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