Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
