Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
What a dumb baby whore.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
