So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
