i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
