I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
