She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just forgot I was standing up.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
