You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
