you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
