Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
