forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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