It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
