He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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