SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
