He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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